Undateable

When I have to go through something incredibly embarrassing, I always say to myself: however it goes, it will make a cracking story. Today I got an email from the team at Channel 4’s “The Undateables”. At first I thought maybe they were short on “dateables”- the people they bring in for the “undateables”. Reading further on I realised they wanted me to use my blog to recruit “undateable” people for their show.

This was an embarrassment, not to me, but to the society in which I live in 2017. Just because many of my readers may have disabilities, it does not mean they are inherently undateable. I thought we had moved away from segregating groups of people, onscreen and off. Sadly this seems to be the whole premise of the show. The ‘Un’ falls off the title in the opening sequence but why is it there in the first place in reference to disability?

 <----spot the difference?---->


I have so many qualities that make me undateable and none of them are to do with my disability. I am proudly unapologetic for these things because although there are many people who would find me undateable there are also a lot who can’t help but fancy the cycling bibshorts off me. Yay for me.

 “People living with challenging conditions are often considered 'undateable' - this series meets a few and follows their attempts to find love” – this is Channel 4’s description of the show. Certainly, cheap and insulting labels like ‘undateables’ and other presumptions mean that a lot of us do have it hard when we first start to date. For instance, we have to spend the time we could be working on our sexting game on having serious chats about disabled people’s misrepresentation in the media.

Not all media though, I don’t want to make assumptions about every member of a group. Take “The Theory of Everything”. This is how you title a film about a person with a physical disability. Not “Motor Neurone Disease (MND) Gets You No Dates” because although that may be true for some people with MND, it wasn’t for Stephen. He got hitched more times after he got the wheels than before; those dulcet, robotic tones taking them to the universe and back. And that’s just the real one. Imagine how much action Eddie Redmayne with MND would get (lots).

Eddie Redmayne vs Stephen Hawking

As a teenage girl who had barely seen the world except through a TV screen, I did think I was undateable. As soon as I had this horrifying realisation I went out to test it. I realised that the only person preoccupied by my disability was me and once I got over that, so did any potential partners.

Despite what Channel 4’s title might suggest, I got a date. Full disclosure: it was really a sleepover with a boy who was my age, during which I  got caught in my A-cup bra by his dad and then had to sit with his entire family at a nice restaurant wishing I was still an asexual tween. The things determined teenage girls put themselves through because of media pressure, disabled or not, is astounding.

Media pressure isn’t a good thing whether you’re young or old and what has worked for me is not relying on reality TV to educate people about how fun it is to date me but just to go out and show them. There is also self-acceptance, understanding other people, masochism in the form of road cycling and never watching reality TV unless it’s GBBO or about selecting NASA recruits, along with having confidence in my enthusiastic social skills…oh and staying in the GB tower at the 2016 Rio Paralympics…relationships abounding!

It made me realise that my most challenging condition, where dating was concerned, was being a professional athlete and even that can’t stop you dating. Flying off to training camps and competitions all year and devoting most of every day to heaving and sweating over my beloved trike and then quickly swearing off any other type of strenuous exercise, it was obvious I was betrothed to British Cycling. They really did get all my passion  and commitment from age 20 to 23. Currently we are on break but I reckon we have an on and off relationship. We could always go on a couples holiday to Tokyo and work on our issues.

There is a hilariously robotic animation which my team-mates and I love of the ‘Perils of Dating a Cyclist’. In it, a girl discusses why she broke up with a cyclist because, amongst other things he wore a heart rate monitor during sex so he didn’t exert himself too much. It’s funny because some people do take it that far… 

On turning down the show, I asked if anyone on the production team had a physical disability and could I interview them for this article. None do. However, to give them credit they do “work closely with various charities and organisations with expertise in the areas of disability or specific conditions for advice and guidance”. But in my experience of doctors and scientists and charity workers, they rarely know the ins and outs of their clients’ social lives.

A medical dictionary is not an instruction manual for love. Educational documentaries on rare disorders are one thing, and understanding the individual and how you fit into their lives is another. This show could be so much better if it just stopped pointing the finger at disabled people and expanded its range of undateables to include, well, everyone.

I think it would be great to see Kate Middleton just after she married the Duke of Cambridge saying how impossible it was to date him and how Prince Phillip took a bit of getting used to but that she just loved him and that was all there was to it. Or Sarah Hoy reliving her struggles as partner to an Olympic cyclist whilst being a lawyer but loving him anyway (*fictional quote* ‘yes he did wear his heart rate monitor in bed…’). Or just picking well-off celebrities and their doting partners, laughing with pleasure over this adored, eccentric habit or the other. Melania and Donald Trump? You have got to agree there are many more things that make a personal undateable than a wheelchair or autism… you could be an astrophysicist… oh wait Stephen Hawking’s got me again. Presumptions don’t get you anywhere.  

I, being the gossip I am, do know many people with very visible physical disabilities and very active dating lives or with beautiful spouses and families and I will not be the perpetrator of a modernised freakshow that instructs viewers otherwise.

If you feel the urge to watch some quality reality TV, don’t turn on “the Undateables”. Do watch the “Perils of Dating a Cyclist” on youtube or “The Theory of Everything” and then read “The Rosie Project” or “Travelling to Infinity: My Life with Stephen”.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My piece was published in the Sunday Herald today with an intro by Peter Swindon here: http://www.heraldscotland.com/news/15525976.Channel_4_s_The_Undateables_asked_Scots_Paralympian_to_recruit_disabled_people_for_the_reality_tv_show/ . 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Valentine's Card to My Motivation

That video where the guy eats squirty cream whilst road riding...

Warning: this blog is going to be immensely food positive and will make you want to get on the snacks. I would advise you to get on the snacks. Or reduced Valentine's chocolates tomorrow...

A conversation with one of my oldest friends began:

hannah how do i motivate myself to go for a (short) run when it's cold outside. i don't have the goal of rio to get me exercising SO WHAT DO I DO

Hann

She knew that she could ask me because she was there in school, when all I did was eat crisps and go on MSN. Then she was there when all I did was eat crisps and RaceRun my heart out. She was also there when I started to cycle and RaceRun and carry on with my full-time degree (I stopped eating crisps and got a bit too skinny...so I went back on the crisps and added pizza) and then she was there when I specialised in trike racing and got selected for Rio and graduated (all thanks to pizza).

*I have realised successful athletes usually hide the amount crisps they eat. Trust me, Paralympians/Olympians eat crisps too. Or have a cheeky wee MaccyD's before a race.  Depending on distance and discipline and intestinal enzyme content, one fact remains constant: calories are fuel. Very high calorie food is rocket fuel. Just don't use rocket fuel when you are actually a Ford Ka, sitting in the gridlock, on your 3 mile commute to work, ya numpty.*

I exercise a lot nowadays but only because I am the expert at coercing my inner slug. What I mean by this, my set point- when it gets wet and cold, is just to find a comfy space on the tarmac and sit there, sluggily, occasionally to be stepped on by a fast moving pedestrian. I don't like to move at first, especially if the weather is bad.

I don't mean these slugs:

I mean this kind: 

There is a way to counteract the slug within you. Slugs don't turn into butterflies though. This isn't everyone's fav transformation story. I mean I have got a lot more hench than I was and my old friends from school were so surprised they kept asking to touch my arms for a while, to make sure I really had muscles. But I haven't transformed, I've just been allowed to become who I was.

Slugs stay the same and are that metaphorical gastropod that they always were. They just learn how to get a wiggle on and leave a beautiful (if slimy) silver trail to follow.

 I got so good at it I would actually enjoy the creds I got from going out in the worst weather possible. I wanted to be that girl in the storm.

Here's what I do when I'm having a stubborn brain and body day (the Facebook chat which followed...made more coherent).

Begin your workout indoors in the warm; put on that music that makes you dance a little bit. If I want to be really mean, I don't allow myself to listen to music unless I'm doing a work out. Just get yourself moving enough so you don't feel tight with cold?

Hannah

Then I put my kit on. Or I put my kit very close by me- critically must be easier to access than my pyjamas.

I eat something highly calorific...you feel guilty and then you remember you turn into a shooting star who happens to be riding a trike when you eat right before a ride.

Now make the session you are about to do, the cure for: A) feeling sad B) feeling grumpy C) feeling fat D) feeling trapped E) feeling like your surroundings are ugly F) feeling weak G) feeling hopeless H) feeling hungover I) feeling tired. I experience at least one of these feelings every day so therefore I must exercise every day.

If you live in the traffic-heavy city centre, lucky you. Ignore the cars and focus on the lights. The lights are so beautiful. Espesh at Xmas. I love street lamps too . So if you've put it off all day, it's actually better at night. Or if it's not Xmas head out right before sunset and go 'colour catching'.

Hannah

And that's all the ones I can think of right now. Essentially running is like chasing the dragon. That feeling that exercise releases is like no other and the nights are prettier than the grey grey days during the festive season xxx have a good one x

And then there's the weird little things that get me loving life when I'm riding....

The little birds that dive out of the hedges and fly beside you, playing in your slipstream just like dolphins of the air...(never actually taken a picture but it happened a lot on this ride..especially near Strathaven?)

then there are the surprise rainbows (photo-Dundee... when it was raining...)

Being perfectly warm when everything is freezing outside because you've just sprinted up a hill. The satisfaction is fleeting and then you freeze your ass off but you think everything is beautiful because you're not sprinting up that hill any more...so it doesn't matter (a resting place, Helensborough, in January) 

The neon phase of streetlights when they are between pink and amber...

Then ALL the ones that I don't have photos for you because mostly I ignore my phone on rides (you've got to be pretty focused to ride a trike...especially with a movement disorder)

-Being the only one on a big main road...would love a zombie apocalypse... think of all the training opportunities

-Chasing buses and winning

-Finding freshly laid Tarmac...that's dried...have made that mistake before

-Being out after a hailstorm and out comes the sunshine but everyone but you is indoors...

-Having a roaring headwind scream in your face and in your ears but you scream right back and say you will not knock me over this time. I get knocked over by wind gusts quite a lot because I hunt down the fiercest...

Then, there are these guys:

I don't often get to ride with other road Paracyclists and if I'm riding with guys with fully functional legs they'll have to slow down, a lot and it's not the same. Here's a pic of a happy ride taken by our coach with very long arms and who is also very good at road bike manoeuvers:

Training with friends is important. I 'coach' some RaceRunners now, which really means just running round beside them trying to make them go faster. I do this for free because it's great cross-training, with great young people. Cos friends make you go faster whilst also having a laugh. It helps if one of them has this very impressive superman pose and can dance like Shakira (shake those hips...). This photo is very old..they're a lot bigger now. The RaceRunners at Red Star literally light up my Monday and Thursday evenings. Ending with you, ya cuties.

Doing anything with a disability is one big life hack (blog not just for people with a disability). Especially finding shoes. Here's EVERYTHING I know.

Watch video for background. 

I'm a life hack addict. I will never say no to a Facebook video showing me an alternative way of doing something.

It's not that I necessarily need to know how to skin and cook potatoes without a potato peeler (because pizza is always my go to carb) or how to separate eggs using only the laws of surface tension and a recycled plastic bottle (because that old-fashioned shell to shell shimmy is just so wonderful and messy). 

My life was changed by the 'how to microwave two bowls at once' one though and, oddly, the 'how to use that metal bit on the end of a measuring tape' one which is just mesmerizing. 

It just calms me knowing there's always another way to do something, even when you think you've exhausted all options. Try it yourself- here's someone else's written list of the best ones.

Seriously though, those little videos are really what having a disability is all about. Except on the macro scale. Doing anything with a  disability is usually just one big life hack.

Instead of subverting common day tools to make getting dressed or cooking a little faster, it takes subversion of whole public policies and paradigm shifts in science just for people with disabilities to get to use, say, multi-floor buildings.

Lifts and escalators- the most gigantic of life hacks! Entirely and unfairly made scapegoats for the obesity epidemic. I think people should shout about the positives instead: 'whoah what a life-hack and superb use of engineering lifts are for the wheelchair user' or 'wow, that escalator really saved you a joint-crunching stair climb person with cerebral palsy, I'm really glad that escalators exist.' 

That's not to mention my friends in their wheelchairs, the ones who will always choose an escalator over a lift. They grab hold of either side of the moving rails and then seem to ascend with mostly mind control and a little bit of menace, just so they can have that extra bit of swag to their name (and cos it's faster). This isn't really relevant to the argument but I just love a good health and safety offence in favour of fun and/or gangster reputation. 

Also, it's not just lifts! Facebook messenger and Whatsapp: everyone moans about the newest generation of non-communicative teenagers only talking through iPhone messages. Next time you can feel a grump coming on, say instead 'oh what a life hack Facebook messenger is- now people with severe speech difficulties can have a casual chat with their school pals, how cool'. 

Anywayyyy....

 The Main Topic

Where to find shoes that will fit your  AFOs. By the way, AFOs are the ultimate life hack to get loads of people who can't easily walk, walking(video by a brilliant undergrad team at Napier Uni).

WITH AFOs

This life hack didn't come immediately and I think it could be useful to everyone because if you wear high heels on every night out, you'll eventually end up with feet like mine anyway. 

I've been in splints/AFOs my whole life. By AFOs I don't mean UFOs. Although throughout my formative years I believed the plastic and velcro from just below both knees to the tips of my toes would blast me off to another planet. I would then return; the long-lost adventurer, the NHS style Hermes, to my alien kin. They would be a species heavily influenced by Earthan Greek mythology, with big plastic immovable legs and the innate idea that the one style of granny shoe that they could fit into, from the 'Type-2-Diabetes-extra-wide' shoe shop, was incredibly fashionable. 

Although my story turned out more like Forrest Gump- I became strong enough, with the crutch of my Motability car, to be able to walk short distances without my AFOs. I didn't exactly 'run myself out of them' and escape them completely. In fact that scene with calipers (that Forrest wears) is highly misleading and not how one should be encouraged to start running... which should be on a RaceRunner with fewer bullies. 

Instead of holding me back- like they did Forrest- they take me further. Still...it's the only film I can think of where leg supports get so much screen time!

I still sink into my AFOs a couple times a week, the pain leaving my legs as they are positioned in a way that minimises the stresses on my leg joints and it makes my walking a lot more graceful. In fact I put some on whenever I cycle, too. 

Here are two handy links for shoes that go with AFOs that come in more styles than the NHS list of suitable footwear options.

1. The site that I always rely on is this one- they do ladies and men's shoes. Pick your style and sizing and then see if you can find it sold cheaper on another site...

http://www.widerfitshoes.co.uk/sp+ladies-active-casual-shoes-bridget+brid7?coloursel=W

2. Nike now does a style (the FlyEase) that caters to people with motor difficulties and who have inflexible plastic to fit in there. The UK site only does a kid's shoe, sizes up to a 6 though (which is my size.. but no good for the men I'd assume)... should someone tell them that people with physical disabilities live to old age nowadays...you could send them a wee note saying 'please include an adult Nike Flyease' here. 

3. Depth of shoe was always my problem because, to combat my equinus gate pattern I was always given wedges on the bottom of my splints. I only later found out that weight lifting shoes have perfect wedges and are easy to get into and hold your foot well... 

There are ones with synthetic plastic wedges in a wider colour/style range but I might as well be known as a human shoe shredder so the sturdier the better. These ones with wooden wedges are my fav.

https://www.strengthshop.co.uk/clothing-footwear/strength-shop-hercules-weightlifting-shoes-black-white.html

 WITHOUT AFOs

So there I was, 13 years old and my orthotist (splint builder), said with the glee of a clinician looking at a medical anomaly (all too familiar to me by this point) 'you look like you're 50 and have been wearing high heels all your life!'

I assumed he was not referring to my face but the bone structure of the foot he was holding. Mine, and the eyes of the Bugs Bunny emblazoned on my splint, widened in horror. Did the air-hostesses and all those other professional women imprisoned by their company-policy-dress-code know what was coming for them? I had to warn them!

No pain, no gain, I guess. My gain was walking, instead of a fashion statement and I could handle that. I had odd shaped feet, even without the AFOs. So, even when I began walking without them I still couldn't pick any old shoes that I wanted. The width of a shoe's last was my enemy. 

Here's what I've learnt (the hard way)

1. British cycling used to be sponsored by Adidas. Their shoes have the narrowest last (which I was told by a certified podiatrist but also know first hand by trying to fit my feet in them). The Paralympics is still sponsored by Adidas and this is ironic because,  I, and all the other Paralympians who have a delightfully rebellious (if pathological) foot shape, had to get an official sign off for the fact we were allowed to wear other brands (but this included the official agreement that were were not allowed to be filmed if we made it to the podium for a medal). 

What brands...if not Adidas?

1. Nike has a very wide last out of the popular trainers. 

2. So do skateboarder style Vans but they're really hard to find now that Vans cater to the wider market (pun not intended, they actually cater to a narrower market in terms of shoe last, these days...just beware of their slip ons...). The closest style I can find are the ones here:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Vans-Unisex-Skool-Aruba-White/dp/B01E0GZME8/ref=sr_1_2?s=shoes&ie=UTF8&qid=1485617154&sr=1-2&keywords=vans+old+skool+skate+shoes

3. I actually use these in the gym as non-slip shoes when I do tricky exercises, too: 

https://www.strengthshop.co.uk/clothing-footwear/strength-shop-coyotes-weightlifting-shoes-white-black.html

*StrengthShop gave me one free pair after my old ones (which I bought myself) were melted- the shoes were victims of thieves who stole my car and potentially used it as a gang war pyre not noticing all the specialist kit that was inside it...including my Rio trike (for another blog)...

CYCLING AFOs

I have these amazing cycling AFOs that prevent excessive joint pain when I complete my long distance rides and high intensity races. They don't give me any extra power, they might actually take away a fraction from my performance but they give me joint stability and make my appearance a little less like a twisty pretzel on wheels (I was actually referencing one of my fav not-for-the-kids film moments there). They are very expensive so I just had one to begin with but with two I am the most comfortable I have been on the trike.

Not being on the NHS these aren't the bog-standard, sweaty plastic but ultra-lightweight carbon things that stealthily blend in with long black socks and look very chic, if I say so myself.

I got mine from Impact Orthotics who have been brilliant, right from the start. This professional picture (that I could request from British Cycling's media team- I don't actually know who took it) shows me still smiling, even though the pain of my Rio Paralympic effort is bringing me to tears behind those dark glasses, because TJ and Naomi of Impact Orthotics were so lovely to work with.

Ooh if you don't know what that sport is above- apart from AFO modelling- see last week's blog. Look at that beautiful unmelted frame...at least it didn't melt while I sped to 5th place!

Paralympic carrot has too many syllables. Sharing is caring.

Why race a trike?

Have you got neurological disorder that makes you fall over a lot? Wobble about all over the place? Do people try and work out if you’re drunk when you're only popping to the corner shop to get the milk...even when you're clearly attempting your inconspicuous walk...with the minimum of zigzagging?

I’m from Glasgow, so perhaps that’s less about my disability and more about the place in which I live.

Paralympic trike racing is cycling’s biggest up and coming discipline for people with a need for speed, who want to surf the tarmac and are used to feeling unstable (physically...and mentally). Like mastering those powerful waves, trike riding is one part terrifying to two parts fulfilling and a miracle of inertia.

Mastering a downhill or a corner is as miraculous as the flips and tricks of BMXers, snowboarders and surfers. We don't get much coverage- channel 4 didn't film our races in Rio- but if they did Red-Bull would be all over it...or health and safety laws...

Full disclosure though:  I fall off my trike a lot less than I fall off my legs. Walking is more dangerous and painful for me. That’s why trike racing appeals... but it’s no toddlers’ game.

Speaking of toddlers, trike racing first began as a sport for men who were bored of bike racing. Trikes are harder to handle and it's not just the extra wheel.

What's it like to ride a trike?
The trike is stable at rest and requires a lot less coordination to get onto it and get it moving than your average two-wheeled ride.
It takes away the need to weight bear, you never have to unclip your pedals, you can take an hour to heave yourself onto the saddle if you need, if you get the right frame you don’t have to lift your leg high over a crossbar.
It's a constant battle to keep all three wheels on the ground, you have to shift your body weight for every pothole, corner and camber of the road. Try as you might, you can never be fully in control of a trike and that's why it's fun.

Where can I get one?
There are mobility trikes out there, big stable beasts for pavement riding. Then there are light-weight, flashy trike shivs that stab into the horizon in a moment and can take you miles and miles into lands you could never have dreamed about.

That is what it felt like when I changed from my ‘to school and back’ trike to my Geoff Booker light-weight steel custom frame or the one Nissan and Longstaff built me was bit different to your average school run, too. Until it got melted in someone else's gang war when they crashed and burnt my car with it in the boot (that's for another blog).

Getting your hands on a proper racing trike, just to try, without spending the big bucks is the hard part. Harder in Scotland. If you want to try a racing trike through British Paracycling it's really only possible in England and Wales (email paulwest@britishcycling.org.uk about trying out trike riding in Manchester). There is also the Tricycle Association, most active in England that often have second hand trikes to buy. You can always hit me up for more info: hannahdines@hotmail.co.uk.

P.S. Photo creds the fantastically talented Eamonn Deane